Old Robots

White, white robots, for white, white families.

One of the great promises of my generation and, in fact, of all generations since the advent of mechanical labor, was the promise of futuristic robot armies that would cater to our every desire and unleash electric death upon our enemies while we slowly turned into those people from WALL-E. And while that promise has yet to to be fulfilled, we've come a long toward that goal, although most of mankind's recent attempts at building mechanical cohorts for ourselves have been skewed towards producing Asian sex robots. Call me a xenophobe, but I like my artificial lifeforms to look, well, artificial. Let's face it, would we all have gone gaga over R2-D2 back in '77 if he'd looked like Tia Carrere? Well, maybe that's a bad example. Regardless, when I'm talking about robots I mean beep beep boop bop robots covered in knobs, buttons, lights and other little fiddly bits, you know? And the folks at TheOldRobots.com agree with me. From goofy little squirts that barely function to great big articulated automatons, this site has them all. Check out the videos below for a couple of choice cuts from their collection.

CLICK HERE TO VISIT THEOLDROBOTS.COM

Mystery Science Theater Forever!

From left: Gypsy, Crow, Joel and Tom

Cable! Huh! Yeah! What's it good for? Absolutely nothing! Considering the rapidly rising costs associated with cable and satellite TV and the fact that high-speed internet is now a staple service in most American homes, it's no wonder people all across this great nation are cutting the cord, so to speak. The web's got the networks beat in terms of accessibility, cost and sheer amount of video content, and now there's one more reason to unhook that cable box once and for all. I present to you Club-MST3K, the site that let's you watch just about every single episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000 ever made, even the original KTMA local cable channel episodes! If you're a fan, you already know the story. If not, here's a quick lesson: dude and his robots are stranded in space and are forced by mad scientists to watch old B-movies and make fun of them. If you want a history lesson, go HERE. If you just want to jump right into the videos and relive those wacky moments with Joel/Mike and the bots, click the big bold link.

CLICK HERE TO VISIT CLUB MST3K AND GET YOUR MST3K ON

BONUS VIDEO: BEST RIFFS MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000

Robots! From the Past! In the Future!

When I was younger, so much younger than today, I had a dream. It was a dream instilled into me by educators born with the heady 1950s ideal that rapid technological advances could and would make our tedious human lives easier and faster, leaving more time for us to sit by the pool smoking our pipes, listening to Sammy, Frank or Deano whilst our apron-donned wives swiftly brought us our martinis and newspapers, and our two point five children played fetch with Rover on the well-groomed and picket-fenced yard, all while we pondered our healthy pensions and whether or not we should retire early to Florida. I'm sorry, what was I saying? Actually, most of my teachers throughout the 1980s were former hippies who still clung to the counter-culture dogma of the early 1970s and would have dropped their jaws at the picture I just painted. Nevertheless, many did come from an era where the prospect of fast, cheap computers and personal robots were just around the corner, and that we as a society would use such tools to transcend our baser animalistic attributes, hopefully becoming better and more enlightened human beings in the process. And while our futurist educators eagerly beamed with the prospect of machines that could walk our dogs and pills that would supplant the need for meals, there was one potential technological advancement that struck a chord with me in particular, especially with me being that child who invariably got nauseated at the idea of pushing around my dad's rusted old Lawnboy every Saturday for two bits (just kidding, I got 5 bucks, 25¢ didn't buy you anything in 1984 either). So what had caught my young eye then, and has stuck with me to this day, was a picture of a robot in a science magazine, sketched roughly in charcoal, and it was mowing a lawn while some relaxed-looking dude, presumably "Dad," lay snoozing on the patio in total bliss. Yup. I was ready to cryogenically freeze myself just so I could make sure I'd live to see the day when this amazing miracle breakthrough would be available. Well here we are in the gritty and oh so real 2010s and my childhood dream of taking afternoon naps on the weekend while R2-D2 takes care of business has finally come true, so I'll waste no more time in presenting to you...Robomow. Yes, Robomow. You can almost feel your bald spot tingle, can't you? Available in four configurations, Robomow has the power to cut up to 17,200 square feet of luscious lawn and still make it back to its charging dock for a good week's sleep, all automatically while you lie on the couch watching Breaking Bad on Netflix. The robo-mowers run anywhere from $1299 to $2700 depending on the model and since they're electric, there's no oil, gas or emissions plus they're much quieter as well, resulting in less noise-pollution for your neighborhood. Awww, my old hippie teachers are probably welling up right now somewhere over their herbal teas and copies of I'm OK, You're OK. So get your wallets ready, true believers, because greener lawns and greener living await you HERE!

Re-Boot Cop

In 1987, Dutch-born director Paul Verhoeven (Total Recall, Basic Instinct) bestowed upon us a brand of American hero that until then had been largely absent from the genre of action-oriented science-fiction, well at least since the cancellation of the Six Million Dollar Man. His name was RoboCop and he was a freakin' cyborg. And cyborgs are cool. Continuing a trend that had begun with other sci-fi films of the 80s such as Bladerunner, RoboCop was set in a violent dystopian future where urban congestion and corporate omnipotence had all but smothered the spirits of the downtrodden populace, hmm sounds a bit like 2012. Well here we are 25 years later and the powers of Hollywood have decided that it's time for a reboot (at least that's longer than they gave Spiderman). Helmed by Brazillian director, Jose Padilha, the new and presumably improved RoboCop will begin shooting this fall featuring a fresh new cast and state-of-the-art CGI effects, which I assume means no claymation. Not much is known yet about the project other than that it will feature some pretty big Hollywood names like Gary Oldman, Samuel L. Jackson and Hugh Laurie, and while that does sound promising, leading actor Joel Kinneman, who plays officer Murphy, has already been quoted as saying that the film's tone will be closer to that of the Dark Knight than to that of the original, "more campy" RoboCop - and that right there gives me pause. Frankly, I get a little worried whenever that increasingly overused comparison is made as it tends to set the film up for failure from the start. Plus, it's 2012, the Dark Knight came out in 2008 for crying out loud! You're supposed to say that it's "better than The Avengers," if you want people to plunk down hard-earned clams to see your crappy flick. Sheesh!

You can check out the first viral video from the upcoming blockbuster below. It's just enough to whet your appetite, though.

Will Not Exterminate Your Wallet

With all the hubbub these days over that new-fangled Doctor Who cum Twilight-wanna-be getting everybody's pants wet, it's nice to see the classic series that started it all get its fair share of recognition, although that honor comes in a tiny three and a quarter-inch package. Yes, sure to delight Doctor Who fans of any era is the new 1963-style wind-up desktop Dalek available now from our friends at TinToyArcade.com. At $9.98 this thing is practically a steal and it does double-duty as both an attractive totem announcing your love for Doctor Who and all things science-fictiony, but it will patrol your desk and take out any stray Pokemon dolls or lame McDonald's movie tie-in action figures as well. You pretty much can't put a price on that.


Click HERE to go directly to the product page.